Watch out from "left field".

I know for me in my own life, it is very difficult when things don't mesh together. I'm talking about every day life struggles.  Perhaps "normy's" get through it easier, I'm not sure; perhaps the coping skills of a "non-addictive person/ normy" is more tolerant, has better life skills, has tools that are applied, I don't know!  Whatever the scientific gene is that they, "normy's" have, we or at least I- know, I don't have them! 


This is how it goes for an addict.  Lets just say I have been clean for seven years.  I'm doing everything right, meetings, Church, good support group, Family is good, money issues are back on track, in all general purposes, life is good, Then, something out of left field occurs.  Your best friend, of some 20 years, has just been found dead.  In a rehab facility hospital non-the-less. You then get news that your about to be laid-off, and your oldest daughter tells you she's pregnant. This all happens in the course of about 2-weeks. You make it through all this with the right help, family support, all crisis of "slipping" has been avoided, how; "who-knows". 


Then a few weeks later you find out that the nagging pinched nerve in your back needs surgery. It can't be avoided. You get through it, the surgery was successful. But out of left field comes this new problem, "prescription medication". Your life changes before you know it.  After some time passes, you look back, 10 years have gone by and your still on medication. You are still in pain, but you don't know why.  All I know is, I believe I need the medication. You convince yourself with the Doctor's help.  Little does anyone know, the usage has gotten way out of hand, and no-one needs that much medication.  After another failed marriage and the lose of everything once again. Rehab must again be the answer.  Again, you say, "what happened" how did this hit me, how did I not see this coming, how did I get so bad. 


These are the questions many of us ask ourselves, after the fact of course. The thing we need to watch out for is "everything" our attitude, or health, our surroundings/ environment, our friends, even our strengths and weaknesses.  Balance in life is so important when we are addicts. Even if we aren't addicts. There are going to be times when we least expect "satan will arrive" usually out of left field. There is no way to predict, or keep these events from happening.  But I believe, with balance in our lives, they will be easier to avoid.  Perhaps we may even be more prepared to recognize the demon before or at the time he appears.  


Good luck to you in establishing "balance" in your life, and making certain that history does not repeat itself.


Michael Angelo

Some times you just have to "GIVE BACK"

Most of the time,  in our disease of addiction it's "about us".  What we're going through, how bad were hurting; I know these feelings because I had them all the time.  The issue of addiction is very selfish and "self-consuming". We are constantly the center of attention with our families, and or our "normy" friends.  


Once we get on our path to recovery, we need to start thinking of others and giving back. Believe it or not, there are others out there who need our help and it is good for our own recovery to deflect our mind away from the cravings, the hurt, and the self absorption.  Doing some good for someone else just feels good.  It makes me feel as though my addiction, my issues, my problems, can actually help someone else.


It's like the motto we have all heard "pay it forward". In other words, help someone else because someones else helped me before. I know this takes time, for me personally it took many years before I would even care about helping anyone.  It was always about me.  I thought the world evolved around "ME".  Well guess what, It doesn't. 


So, what I am trying to convey to people out there who have been recovering from their addiction. Reach your hand out and help someone else that may be in that same place we were years ago, months ago, days ago. Addicts respond better to someone that has been through the same kind of Hell.  Hopefully to be able to bring them out of the misery and on to the path of salvation and righteousness.  Just to know that possibly, a life was saved.  Then in turn, another, and another. WOW, what a concept.


May God Bless you all in you personal battle in recovery. Remember, you don't have to do it alone! Were here to talk, blog and share.


Michael Angelo

Is it all falling apart ?

If you finally say to yourself as I did many years ago, "Is it all falling apart" then you definitely are ready to give LIFE another shot.  I know! believe me when I say that. I do remember when getting high, drunk, spent, tweaked, tuned, tanked, smashed, hammered & wasted used to be fun. Yes, I said FUN. If you want to call jumping your 1977 VW Shirraco over a 4-5 foot dirt mound because I thought I was on the freeway on-ramp- fun!


Or how about not knowing how you got from Laguna Niguel, Ca., then realizing that you were on your way to Las Vegas, Yes, I'm talking over 150 miles of NO recollection of driving. I even had money that I had no idea where it came from. Not until 29 days later when the credit card statement came. Even more embarrassing, I disputed the transaction and the bank sent me my picture from the ATM camera- yeah, and there was my dead face picture looking right at me!, scary as hell.


Or do you want me to tell you the time I ran in to the back of a car, because of nodding off behind the wheel. The worst feeling in the world is when you see that that car had a Baby in it, and the Mother wanted to kill me. I could sense her utter disgust in me. I could not have felt more horrible in my life. Why? because I was responsible. Thankfully I sobered up before the cops came and I was only going about 15 mph. but it could have been much worse.


After that, I said those words, "Is it all falling apart" I asked for help , and got it. Thankfully before I killed someone. There are many people in prison telling a different side of their story that didn't go the way mine did. I couldn't bare knowing I took a human life because of just wanting to satisfy my craving. I would die of shame in prison.


But now, this is where the story has more hope.  By going to recovery, I have learned first of all.  This addiction we speak of is, "A disease of the mind, coupled with an obsession of the body"  Please re-read that to yourself several times until it sinks in. So- what to do, it's simple, but hard to do!  You have to change everything you do from this day forward. Your thinking, your driving routes, your friends, your compulsions and how you act on them. Yeah, everything. The old you must die, and unfortunately we must kill him or her ourselves. 


Good luck to you and God be with you because remember.  You could be one of those people in prison thinking back on what you did.  Lets NOT let that happen, Please.


Michael Angelo

Don't ever let your guard down

There's one thing you can always count on with any addiction. "When your guard is down, and your weak, the Devil will strike" I have been fighting various addictions for over 35 years. From Cocaine & alcohol, to all sorts of pain-killers and everything in-between,  I did them.


The point I'm trying to make is that "your NEVER out of the woods" or in a safe zone. The drug, or someone with the drug will always find you- and they will happen to find you when your weak. That's how it always works. That's NOT a good thing, it's the way Satan attacks us.  Yes that's right, I believe in Satan. I know he's real because I've seen  him, just as I've seen Jesus. In a dream yes- but it's one way the Lord will choose to communicate. 


We can never be without or guard, allow me to clarify.  My guard is the word of God, The Bible, scripture to be more accurate. When the temptation is upon me - I need to recall some scripture to allow my spirit to get pumped up. Nothing is more powerful than the "word of God".  Satan cannot win when we pull out scripture, so he devises sneaky, evil, deceitful ways to penetrate the armor or at least allow us to lower it momentarily so he can get into our head.  ex: Maybe it's a friend who appears to you in the middle of the night.  He's down and out and needs a place to stay. We give in- then sometime during the evening it happens "the friend pulls out the dope" your caught off guard- just for a moment, but it's enough to find us weak and vulnerable.  Then It's too late!


You finally come around, 2-3 days later after a severe  bender. The friend is gone and so is your money, your pride and whatever sobriety time you had managed to put together.  Now I'm really screwed, because I need more to feel normal again. The cycle is now started once again. He's got me right where he wants me.  Time to get back on track


Always keep your guard up... Please let this be a lesson to us all.


Michael Angelo

Father's Day Weekend

I have a question for all you recovering addicts out there. Is it a good idea to have a beer once a week? How about a few beers one day a week?  I thought that if you were an addict, you are not supposed to drink at all??  Father's Day weekend, I was with my family and there were three men that are supposed to be recovering addicts but they had a beer(s).  I felt like it was wrong but I don't run their program. It's not my job to be their sponsor, or their conscience.  I feel like some people who are addicted to pills maybe can have a beer once a week and it won't affect their sobriety. I know some people who are recovering will not agree with this because more than likely, once you start with a beer, you go to the next thing.  I have watched these men handle their drinking but I do feel it affects other things like attitude, health, and driving ability.  I guess time will tell the real true answer to my question but if it were me, I don't think I would risk it. Then there's the other question, if you know someone is a recovering alcoholic or drug user, do you drink in front of them?  I think it's best not to tempt them.  Will God hold us accountable for making our neighbor fall?  Yes, He will!  We are our brother's keeper. Or are we? 

Like a thief in the night.

Addiction is like a thief in the night. One day after years of what is seemingly- innocent partying every now and then,  then suddenly it seems, turns into not being able to do anything without including alcohol or some mind altering substance. I stop and think, damn, how long have I been doing this. I think back and reminisce a little on past experiences, some good and some bad.  Perhaps even an accident or a DUI may have been included.  Maybe I even went to treatment once or twice, always because someone else wanted me to. The children, now grown don't really talk to you that much any more. Your wife of 25 years was the last one to finally give up on you.


So I think, what the hell happened. Now I find myself alone with my own conscience. No one to tell me what to do or how to do it. It's just me and my thoughts-  alone. Now I have to drink or use just to keep the demons out of my head. Why, because what else is there. The enjoyment of "the old days" are long gone. I use now only to numb the feelings of the past.  It has even become more and more difficult to stay in the same job or even the same line of work. I think back when I was somebody, employers being excited about me coming on-board with their company. Now what, I'm working in this dive office or factory just to pay the bills, or I'm not even working at all because I am like the plague.  No one wants me anymore because of the damage I've done. I can't hide it anymore.


There are only two alternative when we as addicts get to this point.  A. Recovery with the acceptance that we have a problem. or, B. live alone a little longer and die. 


What choice will you make today?


May God be with you.


Michael Angelo

Old Habits, Co-Dependancy

In our sickness of addiction we, I mean me had become quite selfish. I was always my number one topic, and why wasn't everyone talking about me, or helping me, or putting me first. Damn that sounds awful just thinking about it. This can also be an issue with our significant others. Since they were put in the back-seat so often, they may feel NOW that it's time for the "ME" season. Or, It's about time someone thought of me. These habits are hard to break.


Well, these thoughts and feelings, are somewhat valid. they are also sick co-dependant irrational behaviors of the co-dependant.  We all had choices in the addict/ co-dependant relationship. No one was forcing us to stay in that sick relationship. I have heard it all- believe me. "I didn't want to end the sacred vow of marriage" or "If I would have left, he or she would have died" or "I did it for the children" It's all bull-shit, any way you slice it, it's still crap!


What the co-dependant should do is,  A. give an ultimatum. B. follow through. C. Let the addict heal, while you do the same. This is anything but selfish, it's survival.  It's hell out there. If you choose to stay in an addictive relationship, you deserve "everything" your going through- period!


Co-dependency can be ten times worse that the addict himself.  Why, because they have the fact of not being an addict. when in fact "they are" their drug of choice just so happens to be another human being, and "control" which is the worse form of sickness on the planet. Because "YOU CAN'T WIN"! No-one can control, change or influence an addict. No one but God himself. That's when the spiritual awakening happens, and it can't happen when there's a controlling co-dependant around.


There are us addicts out there who are also co-dependant. Damn I feel sorry for that person.  This is a job for God and his team of Angels. But there is hope for these people as well. 


There's "always" hope.


Thank you, 


Michael Angelo