What to do with your co-dependant
One thing I have noticed since I have changed my ways of using and abusing. The people that used to have to "took care of me" so to say. You know what I mean; the wife, sister, parent or good friend that would always be there to bail you out of bad situations- like helping me cover a bill or funding some cash till next pay day. Or even someone that we would have call our boss because we knew we were not going to be able to go into work that day. Yeah, those people, what happens to them when they can't obsess or control or take care of me or you. They suddenly feel they have no purpose or they don't have anything to do. They find ways to start controlling other situations, whether it be the way things are done in the home or the planning of specific events, You see the co-dependant is often times more screwed up than the addict because that feeling of need and doing good has become useless. Theres no need to take care of an addict when he or she takes their life back and wants to control their own destiny. What has to happen is the co-dependant, just like the addict; has to get their own life back. They have to find things to do that are healthy and productive in their own lives. They need to stop thinking about the addict. Let Go!
This is why you often find out that "Joe got sober so Mary left him", you would think all things should be back to normal after you get clean and sober. The marriage usually doesn't work out because "Joe" got sober but "Mary" didn't get help with her co-dependency. Often times the co-dependant thinks that what their doing is out of love not co-dependency. It's so important that the closest people to the addict or alcoholic get help. The odds are that 78% don't get help and that is why we see so many marriages that fall apart after the addict gets clean. There are so many programs out there that offer help in this area. First you want to find out if you are co-dependant. Check this web-site and see if it rings any bells; http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-relationship , here is another that may help mothers who have had issues with their sons or daughters; http://www.soulwork.net/sw_articles_eng/little_prince.htm . All of the parents out there who have lost or damaged relationships with their adult addict children can benefit by the extensive amount of information that is out there on this topic. It all boils down to the question we need to ask ourselves; do we want to be in control? or do we want to be happy?
Michael Angelo
Mi Corazon Espinado, a branch of Finaltrypico™, endeavors to reach out to those people suffering with addiction, weather it be; drugs, obesity, pornography, smoking, drinking, you name it. Anything that is holding you back and keeping you from your day-to-day commitments and responsibilities is an "addiction". If you can admit that the addiction is more powerful than you, then you have a problem and you've made the first step.
Those websites you recommended will be a good source for many people. I agree with your post and understand why addicts cling to their co-dependents and why co-dependents cling to their addicts. It is a vicious cycle and the only way to stop is to change the culture.
ReplyDeleteMany cultures teach women that they should be the caregivers no matter what gets thrown at them. These old cultural ways are changing in the 21st century and it is because the family is becoming extinct. This can be seen as a good thing for the co-dependent and the addict.
Cheryl Russel's "The Master Trend" states in her book that the baby boomer ways are changing. Is this good or bad? Well, I think both! Baby boomers are becoming "free agents" which is going to change co-dependency as we know it. We are becoming a self actualized people and America is being re made in front of our eyes.
The interest of the individual are taking precedence over the interests of the family. How will this be beneficial for the addict? It won't! Thank God, right? However, it is also teaching our young that we no longer need to waste our efforts on the addict or those who may or may not need us. If you are a Christian, this is a good thing because God says to get out of the way and let Him do it. We, as people, can save no one!
Let go and let God!