Sometimes the effects of using take a while

I'm a lot older now and I really didn't think I drank that much before stopping completely when I was 30 years old. But the other things that I put into my body have indeed taken their toll. I recently had a hospital visit and I wont go into the diagnosis but I can be almost certain it was due to the chemicals I ingested into my system. Remember, everything passes through the liver and kidneys and there are some drugs that will eventually take a toll on your digestive track, as well as gallbladder and pancreas. These organs that we were given at birth start out excellent, like a brand new engine with fresh new oil and proper moving parts. But without maintenance, care and exercise; as well as abstinence or minimum ingestion of alcohol and drugs. The internal organs will start to deteriorate.

I now know at 55 years old that I need to take great concern in what I put into my body. That includes anything from food to over the counter medication. But lets not forget those Doctor prescriptions. That's right, we need to be very diligent on what is in the medication were taking. How will this effect me and will my worn out organs be able to process them.

My results and experience is only one of many that can occur from drinking and using. Even if it was in the past. But I truly believe that our bodies are a wonder of science because God created us to heal ourselves and to treat our bodies well. So please try to think about all that you put into your body and the effects that it could have on your health.

Michael Angelo

Where am I today

There has been a lot that has happened in the years of sobriety vs. the years of using. Today I am in School attempting my Associates degree.  I say attempting because we never know what the future holds for us.  I know I am doing all I can to give myself the best odds to graduate, and that's all I can ask of myself.  But in the past, I would have never attempted anything like this. I would have resigned myself to; "it's too hard" or   "I just don't have the time", or "something bad will happen if I start School".

Now I know that nothing bad is going to happen if I start School. It's just going to take time, it's going to be hard, it's going to take effort on my part to ensure success.  I have learned that School is "Just like Life". If you want to succeed in life, we have to be willing to put adequate time into it to ensure success. Remember, success is relative. What I mean is; my meaning of success is going to be different than yours. Not better, not worse, just different. 

What I can relate and convey to any recovering addict/ alcoholic still suffering is; The investment that we make in ourselves, is the best investment that we can make towards our future happiness. I know for a fact that one of the things I would always say when I was coming down from a 5-day binge. "I just want to be happy" Today I can say I'm happy and I am somewhat proud of myself.  But by the same token, I know where I came from and it wouldn't take much to get me back in the life of addiction, Prison or Death.

Today, I choose Life and to move forward. I wish you the same.  God be with you on your journey to happiness.


Michael Angelo

Recovery

As a recovering co-dependent or addict, it can be hard watching those you love go through their own recovery.  We wish we can just give advice and hope they follow it.  However, all of us have to go through our own road to recovery so we can teach others.  Watching those we love continue to make the same choices over and over again can be depressing but all we can do is pray for them.  This is when we begin to feel powerless.  How we handle that feeling is going to determine whether or not we will trust God. All we can do is ask God for His help but this is not a little thing.  It's a huge thing.  It will make all the difference.

Reflection:
I admit I am powerless over certain parts of my life and I need God's help.

My Thorned Heart

Watch out from "left field".

I know for me in my own life, it is very difficult when things don't mesh together. I'm talking about every day life struggles.  Perhaps "normy's" get through it easier, I'm not sure; perhaps the coping skills of a "non-addictive person/ normy" is more tolerant, has better life skills, has tools that are applied, I don't know!  Whatever the scientific gene is that they, "normy's" have, we or at least I- know, I don't have them! 


This is how it goes for an addict.  Lets just say I have been clean for seven years.  I'm doing everything right, meetings, Church, good support group, Family is good, money issues are back on track, in all general purposes, life is good, Then, something out of left field occurs.  Your best friend, of some 20 years, has just been found dead.  In a rehab facility hospital non-the-less. You then get news that your about to be laid-off, and your oldest daughter tells you she's pregnant. This all happens in the course of about 2-weeks. You make it through all this with the right help, family support, all crisis of "slipping" has been avoided, how; "who-knows". 


Then a few weeks later you find out that the nagging pinched nerve in your back needs surgery. It can't be avoided. You get through it, the surgery was successful. But out of left field comes this new problem, "prescription medication". Your life changes before you know it.  After some time passes, you look back, 10 years have gone by and your still on medication. You are still in pain, but you don't know why.  All I know is, I believe I need the medication. You convince yourself with the Doctor's help.  Little does anyone know, the usage has gotten way out of hand, and no-one needs that much medication.  After another failed marriage and the lose of everything once again. Rehab must again be the answer.  Again, you say, "what happened" how did this hit me, how did I not see this coming, how did I get so bad. 


These are the questions many of us ask ourselves, after the fact of course. The thing we need to watch out for is "everything" our attitude, or health, our surroundings/ environment, our friends, even our strengths and weaknesses.  Balance in life is so important when we are addicts. Even if we aren't addicts. There are going to be times when we least expect "satan will arrive" usually out of left field. There is no way to predict, or keep these events from happening.  But I believe, with balance in our lives, they will be easier to avoid.  Perhaps we may even be more prepared to recognize the demon before or at the time he appears.  


Good luck to you in establishing "balance" in your life, and making certain that history does not repeat itself.


Michael Angelo

Some times you just have to "GIVE BACK"

Most of the time,  in our disease of addiction it's "about us".  What we're going through, how bad were hurting; I know these feelings because I had them all the time.  The issue of addiction is very selfish and "self-consuming". We are constantly the center of attention with our families, and or our "normy" friends.  


Once we get on our path to recovery, we need to start thinking of others and giving back. Believe it or not, there are others out there who need our help and it is good for our own recovery to deflect our mind away from the cravings, the hurt, and the self absorption.  Doing some good for someone else just feels good.  It makes me feel as though my addiction, my issues, my problems, can actually help someone else.


It's like the motto we have all heard "pay it forward". In other words, help someone else because someones else helped me before. I know this takes time, for me personally it took many years before I would even care about helping anyone.  It was always about me.  I thought the world evolved around "ME".  Well guess what, It doesn't. 


So, what I am trying to convey to people out there who have been recovering from their addiction. Reach your hand out and help someone else that may be in that same place we were years ago, months ago, days ago. Addicts respond better to someone that has been through the same kind of Hell.  Hopefully to be able to bring them out of the misery and on to the path of salvation and righteousness.  Just to know that possibly, a life was saved.  Then in turn, another, and another. WOW, what a concept.


May God Bless you all in you personal battle in recovery. Remember, you don't have to do it alone! Were here to talk, blog and share.


Michael Angelo

Is it all falling apart ?

If you finally say to yourself as I did many years ago, "Is it all falling apart" then you definitely are ready to give LIFE another shot.  I know! believe me when I say that. I do remember when getting high, drunk, spent, tweaked, tuned, tanked, smashed, hammered & wasted used to be fun. Yes, I said FUN. If you want to call jumping your 1977 VW Shirraco over a 4-5 foot dirt mound because I thought I was on the freeway on-ramp- fun!


Or how about not knowing how you got from Laguna Niguel, Ca., then realizing that you were on your way to Las Vegas, Yes, I'm talking over 150 miles of NO recollection of driving. I even had money that I had no idea where it came from. Not until 29 days later when the credit card statement came. Even more embarrassing, I disputed the transaction and the bank sent me my picture from the ATM camera- yeah, and there was my dead face picture looking right at me!, scary as hell.


Or do you want me to tell you the time I ran in to the back of a car, because of nodding off behind the wheel. The worst feeling in the world is when you see that that car had a Baby in it, and the Mother wanted to kill me. I could sense her utter disgust in me. I could not have felt more horrible in my life. Why? because I was responsible. Thankfully I sobered up before the cops came and I was only going about 15 mph. but it could have been much worse.


After that, I said those words, "Is it all falling apart" I asked for help , and got it. Thankfully before I killed someone. There are many people in prison telling a different side of their story that didn't go the way mine did. I couldn't bare knowing I took a human life because of just wanting to satisfy my craving. I would die of shame in prison.


But now, this is where the story has more hope.  By going to recovery, I have learned first of all.  This addiction we speak of is, "A disease of the mind, coupled with an obsession of the body"  Please re-read that to yourself several times until it sinks in. So- what to do, it's simple, but hard to do!  You have to change everything you do from this day forward. Your thinking, your driving routes, your friends, your compulsions and how you act on them. Yeah, everything. The old you must die, and unfortunately we must kill him or her ourselves. 


Good luck to you and God be with you because remember.  You could be one of those people in prison thinking back on what you did.  Lets NOT let that happen, Please.


Michael Angelo

Don't ever let your guard down

There's one thing you can always count on with any addiction. "When your guard is down, and your weak, the Devil will strike" I have been fighting various addictions for over 35 years. From Cocaine & alcohol, to all sorts of pain-killers and everything in-between,  I did them.


The point I'm trying to make is that "your NEVER out of the woods" or in a safe zone. The drug, or someone with the drug will always find you- and they will happen to find you when your weak. That's how it always works. That's NOT a good thing, it's the way Satan attacks us.  Yes that's right, I believe in Satan. I know he's real because I've seen  him, just as I've seen Jesus. In a dream yes- but it's one way the Lord will choose to communicate. 


We can never be without or guard, allow me to clarify.  My guard is the word of God, The Bible, scripture to be more accurate. When the temptation is upon me - I need to recall some scripture to allow my spirit to get pumped up. Nothing is more powerful than the "word of God".  Satan cannot win when we pull out scripture, so he devises sneaky, evil, deceitful ways to penetrate the armor or at least allow us to lower it momentarily so he can get into our head.  ex: Maybe it's a friend who appears to you in the middle of the night.  He's down and out and needs a place to stay. We give in- then sometime during the evening it happens "the friend pulls out the dope" your caught off guard- just for a moment, but it's enough to find us weak and vulnerable.  Then It's too late!


You finally come around, 2-3 days later after a severe  bender. The friend is gone and so is your money, your pride and whatever sobriety time you had managed to put together.  Now I'm really screwed, because I need more to feel normal again. The cycle is now started once again. He's got me right where he wants me.  Time to get back on track


Always keep your guard up... Please let this be a lesson to us all.


Michael Angelo